It’s time for me to talk about mental health in ministry again. It is one of the things that can become a source of shame because many ministers feel like they should be immune to challenges with mental health. Some poor Christian thought can enforce that too.
Since my teens and on into adult life, due to many formative experiences and challenges, I have had to constantly monitor my mental health. Of course, for years I’d deny there was every any challenge at all because I’d bought the lie that Christians don’t get depressed or anxious, and that it was maybe even sinful to have those things.
Recognising that I was indeed suffering was the first step to not only getting support, but to starting the process of healing. The challenge was that, as much as I could hide or deny my own story or experience, ministry brings you face to face with many challenging situations. Again and again, I’d find that the challenges of working pastorally with people, and even sometimes their mistreatment of me, would begin a downward spiral which didn’t just bring suffering to me but to those around me.
I’ve prayed many a prayer to pray away the symptoms, many of which come unbidden especially in winter. I’ve suffered from `Seasonal Affective Disorder for many years, alongside recurring ‘clinical depression’. That, on top of other factors, can just make life hard. There is great assurance in Christ – underneath are his everlasting arms. I very rarely feel an absence of God, even on the ‘darkest night’.
What I’ve learned over many years is that when the illness kicks in, the one thing I have to remember is that I am not the illness. The thoughts, the moods, the anxiety, the overwhelm, and everything associated with it, is not the essence of me…it is something which comes against me. It’s not my depression or my anxiety or my [whatever]. I’ve learned to sit and simply note the thoughts and feelings (not that this is easy!), and to allow them to pass because if you start believing them, you start to sink. But that’s only after many hours of learning to understand what’s going on, and to recognise that just because a thought comes to my head I don’t need to believe it or accept it! I listen in order to explore, and to respond clearly as I can so that I can move forward.
One of my favourite poets is the late American poet, Mary Oliver. She has a simple poem which says,
‘Someone I love once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me some time to discover that this, too, was a gift.’
When I first heard that short poem, something opened in my heart and mind. The world deals us blows, often devastating blows – and often from ones we love. I’ve experience many this year, and been with people who’ve received many. These blows are totally ‘not welcome’ and they do their worst, but they also have the one simple effect of throwing me back upon the mercies of God (and the good care of a medical team!).
I talk about this from time to time because sometimes I get sucked into believing the lie of shame. I can no more help having these afflictions than I could help it if my nose was blocked. I talk about it because, otherwise, I might start believing the lie that I am invincible and superhuman – definitely not that. I talk about it because I need to remind myself that I’m not the saviour of the world…that role is already fulfilled by one MUCH greater!
Finally, I talk about it because in doing that over the years it has given others the strength and solidarity they have needed to talk about their own struggles. It has given people courage to reach out and get help. It has tackled unhealthy Christian ideas about mental health. It has enabled people to know that they’re not somehow ‘faulty’ or an inferior Christian if they struggle with the most human of afflictions.
I’m personally encouraged by scripture. David, Elijah, Paul, John the Baptist and several others experienced these challenges. Some of the greatest pastors and mission workers in history have also suffered; William Booth, Charles H Spurgeon, Dr Martin Lloyd Jones, to name but a few. All better and more effective men than me.
That said, it’s not to be forgotten that we have an enemy who’d very much like to take us out. We are not unaware of his schemes.
I write all that to say this: if you struggle, reach out to someone you trust who will listen and take you seriously and care. Speak to your GP or local mental health practitioner. Speak to a pastor or another Christian who might be able to support. Consider talking therapy and explore what is troubling you, alongside any other interventions a medical team might suggest.
Please – don’t suffer in silence. Help and comfort is within reach.
Andrew S M Clark 