I know many of you have been praying for us, and for that we are very grateful. Thanks too to those who have sent words of encouragement too.
I’m torn between two emotions at the moment:
ONE: this corps, its people and its mission, is worth fighting for, worth pressing on with, especially so close to breakthrough as we potentially are. We hear sounds of rain in the distance!
TWO: that I feel that I’ve got nothing more to say. More than that, I’ve no energy, nor sometimes even the will to say it.
The first is a holy emotion, its what I know my whole being longs to shout. I know some of the reasons for what is going in right now, because the Lord has graciously revealed some of them. Its all in line with what he has been saying all year. Its all prophecy coming to pass. It makes sense, and I know that the right thing is to emerge from this two weeks victorious over any scheme of the enemy and advance the salvation war at this crucial time. That is what I always do…come up fighting.
Yet the second emotion, whilst it doesn’t appear to me to be a Spirit-led response, still carries a message to my heart. I have mentioned before that I have suffered in the past from depression, mainly carried over hang-ups from my heathen past that the Lord is still working with. I often, more than not, have victory over this tool of the enemy. Amazingly though, I find myself in good company…the likes of William Booth and the prophet Elijah were themselves often victim to depression. Well meaning folks have suggested that I see the doctor, and I would if it were not for the fact that I know the Lord will and does take control of it, transforming it into something useful…holy passion. He has promised that my healing will come through ministry.
However, the alarm bells that ring are those that begin when, through the actions of Christian people and the weight of Christian ministry, the depression starts to take control. Therein lies the paradox. But lets remind ourselves that we do not fight against flesh and blood, but principalities and powers, spiritual forces of darkness in high places. The trouble is that those powers influencing our corps are severly under threat and they don’t like it. This is the real aspect of spiritual warfare.
For me, this two weeks is a needed oasis to allow the Holy Spirit the time to take control again. A week past Friday, I, like Elijah, sat under the broom tree and told the Lord I’d had enough…a point which the Lord used to begin whispering his secrets to my ears. I need to be able to see things more and more from a spiritual perspective…to see what lies beneath.
My fault in all of this has been in allowing it to happen. For four months now I have been almost debilitated by this depression, not being able to do anything other than what I must. I haven’t been able to play with my children, be a proper husband to my wife nor be the officer that I know that God has called me to be.
So, what is next for us? Well, right now I need to go through the process of allowing the Lord to restore that which has been lost or stolen. I’d love to be getting back to work next Monday, please pray for that, but more than that, I’d love to be returning full of the Lord’s strength and annointing…if that will take more than a week I need to be brave enough to say that I need more time, especially right now as we are getting underway with our Christmas operation. The temptation is to leap right in, because I love Christmas and the opportunities it brings.
The scripture that I must quote is as follows: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” – 2 Cor 4:7-12
Interestingly, these verses were prayed over us at Roots by our good Armybarmy friend, Stephen. They speak to us, at this time, about the need to return for God’s glory, proving indeed that it is He that works in us, and not that of ourselves.
So…we wait on the Lord.