I have discovered over the years that the monastic disciplines of silence; quiet spiritual reading; working away with my hands (thus the knitting); handwriting large chunks of scripture; elements of fasting from many things; and reducing my output and interaction with the world are incredibly spiritually nourishing, and I will not exchange those practices which nourish me in Christ for the world. And yes, even if I am away and find myself sitting in a church, a coffee shop, or anywhere else, I will pull up a hood and just be blinkered to all else. I’m no doubt an odd sight to see, but I care not a jot. I wouldn’t for a second suggest that this is something that all people are naturally drawn towards even if I feel that a good many people could benefit from nurturing a little bit of it in their lives! However, it is how I de-compress both in my day to day life and in my times of retreat. In many ways, my ‘spirituality’ is monastic!
You need a certain amount of confidence, and maybe a certain degree of courage, to be able to walk through life being totally true to the things you value. That is especially the case, perhaps, where the things that you value are not always what the world-out-there values. This can, ironically, also be the case when there are values that shape your spiritual life and convictions that maybe others in the church around you don’t value, or even actively devalue. Some even do you the favour of warning you away from things that they either don’t like the sound of either due to lack of knowledge or experience, or because it just doesn’t fit in their theological box, tradition or personal spiritual experience.
I’m about to go away for a few days retreat – a discipline I find to be most necessary and beneficial. Much of that time will be spent alone, in silence, and in hidden corners of my beloved second home, Northumberland, between Sunday and Wednesday. The drive there and back will be spent listening to scripture or to some preaching. Sure, I’ll read and pray and journal, but a significant chunk of that time away will be in silent waiting. The economy of words will shift considerably. Andrew the pastor, teacher, preacher, speaker, singer, musician, writer, poet, tutor, leader (etc blah blah) will finally get to shut up and my words will be very few. I will no longer have to produce noise…except, perhaps, for the odd ‘large latte, please‘. And this will be bliss for me. And I know that as I shut up and the noise of my head is sent packing, God will speak. He will say something or he will say nothing…but still, he will speak!
The thing is, who we are in the secrecy of our own hearts before God, and God alone, is, in essence, who we really are. When there is nothing that needs to be performed and no facade that requires to be presented, or no ‘public’ to engage, you can strip away layers of things that can ultimately blind you to what the condition of your heart really is. Perhaps for those of us in ministry, the demand of speaking (hopefully) positively, inspiringly and informatively can cover over a multitude of personal griefs and woes which never get to see the light of day. And the real truth is that few people want to really know that their pastor’s life is not always as straightforwardly smooth as some people sometimes think it should be! Last I checked, there were a good number of wounds still being held out before God still in search of grace.
I go with only one expectation…that at the very least, I will be able to wait for God.
Andrew S M Clark 