As I guessed it would happen, it was back from Easter holiday and hit the road running. Weeks of relentless meetings and stuff to be done…not all of it feels like it deserves a whole lot of energy, but takes it up nevertheless. In the midst of it all, I’m like a Fiddler on the Roof…trying to scratch out a tune and keep balance at the same time. My own personal ‘rule of life’ or whatever you want to call it keeps me accountable to being Authentic, Relational and Missional all with varying levels of success.
I’m a bit in the air at the moment, although probably don’t need to be. My inner pilgrim thinks it should be moving on but doesn’t realise it has 6 years of a contract remaining. Not going anywhere, but I’m constantly working through the process of ‘vocational discernment’ in the light of the fact that after the 6 years of my contract, what then? Not currently feeling able to avoid the long term questions of ‘what?’, ‘with who?’, ‘when?’ and ‘why oh why?’ So all that internal questioning unsettled in the midst of general busyness. Its only there so strongly because as a SA Officer I didn’t have to think about it…the track was set out…or so it seemed.
But you know what? I have many days when I just want to go home. Get a ‘normal’ [insert ‘real’ if desired] job and work out following Jesus outside of the established church. Its a jolly good job I’m not qualified to do anything else otherwise I think I’d have gone…which really brings up the whole integrity of what I do. I think I’m openly honest about my vocational doubts, I don’t feel like I’m trying to fool anyone, but on the other had I realise that I do a decent job and where I am at this moment in time has in fact removed so many of the highly frustrating obstacles which existed in the last denomination I was chucked out of.
Do you know what even more? I am ‘enjoying’ the uncertainty of it all. Being in a liminal space (‘inbetween one thing and another’) is a creative place to be. I’m discovering more things about myself, my ‘belief system’ and I’m being able to flesh out some of my previously ‘academic’ opinions/experiences/convictions. Its an adventure in trusting God.
If you have any ideas/insights/words/predictions/gut feelings/inclinations and/or revelations as to how you see it panning out, let me know! What I really need is a discernment panel to listen to God with me. At the moment, the voices are too many, various and conflicting. Answers on a postcard [or preferred substitute] anytime! ;o)