The dust is settling, I think. The dust of a very long period of intentionally disturbing my settled theology to see what can be unlearned and relearned. It has been traumatic at times, an intentional emptying, a detox. Its not that I plan to stop unlearning and relearning, but I have a sense of big job done for now. I had simply become unteachable and had to come to terms with there being much more to learn, explore and work out.
I can tell you, it feels great. I feel like I’ve lost 5 theological stone that I’ve been gathering over the years through munching on the same old stuff ad nauseum. I’ve been cutting out the rubbish and eating some new healthy stuff. The real challenge for us is to continually keep a beginners mind: to hold things non-essential very lightly and to discern what is at the core of following Jesus.
The result of detox is a leaner and fitter mind, a happier brighter mind, an awakened and joyful spirit, and a greater appreciation of grace and mercy. Having tested pretty much everthing, I feel more confident in some things and less in others. Thats ok.
I’ve had a vocational clear out as well: re-evaluating my calling in light of my theological car boot sale. I have a clearer sense of who God has made me and what he’d have me do.
Oh, and I’ve been clearing out my emotional clutter and baggage with the help of a professional counsellor. That has been really fantastic. To be able to see and understand my reactions and responses to some situations is a great insight. Meeting with a Spiritual Director has helped me navigate some of the spiritual aspects of that journey too.
My first midlife crisis might be coming to an end…might…. HA! But thank God that he leads us through dark valleys. Thank God that he doesn’t just leave us without ways to refine and renew ourselves. Thank God that he loves us enough to discipline us and restore us. Just…thank God!